9/27/2015

Infertility: On Stealing My Joy

Infertility sucks.

You know how a lot of couples try to get pregnant...then WHAM! They get pregnant and they're elated and over-the-moon excited?

They plan all these elaborate ways to share the news of their impending bundle of joy.

And they seemingly don't have a fear in the world.

Well, I'm not one of 'em.

The truth is infertility has robbed me of so many of the wonderful feelings that go along with finding out you are pregnant.

First, there was the denial.

Nah. I can't be pregnant. It'd take MORE THAN A MIRACLE for me to be pregnant right now. 

Then, there's the terrifying two weeks leading up to an ultrasound.

Is everything okay? What's going to be wrong when they get a peek in there?

Then, there's the two doctors who have to work together to find a heartbeat.

Cue panic attack. 

Like many other women who have survived the trenches of infertile hell, I've been conditioned to expect heartache when it comes to building our family.

But I've reached the point where [thank God] I can feel myself breathing a little easier.

Together, Chris and I are processing through a loss--the loss of having biological children--we once grieved.

There's a lot of raw feelings that have resurfaced from years ago; a lot of anxiety.

And what I'm learning is that even a pregnancy can't cure someone from the side effects of infertility.

The tremendous loss, brokenness and heartache you feel when you struggle to get pregnant never really truly goes away...even if you do get pregnant.

I wish I could say it does, but a positive pregnancy test doesn't erase and replace all the hurts and disappointments we've experienced.

So I'm not gonna say this pregnancy cures infertility and the pain we felt for so many years... because it simply doesn't.

I'm not gonna say God answered our prayers because that would imply that I wasn't praying hard enough years ago...or that those who struggle with infertility aren't praying "right," either.

I'm not gonna say God knew our deepest desires because that would imply He doesn't know others' wishes and hopes and dreams, too.

But I will say this:

Our children are miracles no matter how they join our family.

It is an equal honor to be chosen as parents as it is to physically carry a child. To wonder and dream about and prepare for another baby.

I'm trying hard to not let infertility steal my joy.

Pregnancy--the good, the uncomfortable and the craziness of it all--is a gift that doesn't come freely or easily for so many people, and it's one I absolutely do not take for granted.

Infertility: You suck. I'm sorry not sorry, but you're not gonna win this time around.