3/28/2017

I Used to be One of Them

I used to be one of 'em.

You know, one of those women who envied other women that could easily get pregnant for the fifth time just by sneezing without even trying.
What I've Learned: Pregnant After Infertility
When we were in the trenches of struggling with infertility, I would often distance myself from those relationships. Not because of anything they did necessarily, but simply to protect my own heart.

And if I'm being honest, I was jealous.

I was envious that my body was broken and theirs wasn't.

I was bitter because their life seemed perfect, and mine was in shambles.

I was angry that my family's situation was nothing short of a nightmare.

It became easier to distance myself from those particular relationships because they served as constant reminders of how imperfect my life was. And how much I was hurting. Sometimes, this came at the expense of a friendship altogether; other times, the distance served as a temporary arrangement for self-care with wounds I simply wasn't sure how to cope with or heal from.

Years later, I would come to realize nothing cures the sting of a friend, colleague or acquaintance touting an unplanned pregnancy. No -- not even adopting a child [or two] takes away the pain associated with infertility.

As with a lot of things in life, these lessons have come full circle for me; you see, I now know what it's like to be on the receiving end of those strained and distanced relationships because of the blessing of a pregnancy.

While many of my friendships remain, some that were once close hang by a thread.

People who I desperately still want in my life have fallen off the grid. They've taken some time away, and that's okay because I see my [former] self in them.

I see their heartache. Their doubts. And their pain.

I understand it, but it certainly hasn't made it any easier.

As I've embarked on this pregnancy, though, I have a new perspective.

I'm grateful for the women who allowed me space and time to grieve when I needed it, even if it came at the price of me not being the friend I wanted to be -- and should've been -- during such an important time in their lives.

I'm grateful they didn't interpret my absence as a lack of caring.

And perhaps most importantly, I've realized I owe others the same amount of grace that was extended toward me.
Related content:

Life Is Full Of Exciting Surprises: Our Fourth Miracle Is On Its Way
Our Journey to Addison
I Wish I Had Known How Much I'd Miss Being Pregnant
How Infertile Women Really Want To Answer The 'Kids' Question

Note: A version of this post was originally posted on 3/1/2016.