5/30/2016

10 [Completely Normal] Parenthood Revelations

After welcoming our third daughter into the world and grappling with how to survive with three girls under the age of three, I looked in the mirror and realized I may have lost my mind.

Nope.

Feeling crazy is part of parenthood, and feeling crazy isn't the only side effect...
Real Life Parenting
1. You seriously contemplate placing toothpicks in your eyelids to hold them open. I mean, come on. They can't hurt worse than the permanent burning sensation from sleep deprivation, right?

2. You find yourself swaying to and fro while fueling up your minivan at the gas pump. Without your baby. It's a reflex, okay?

3. You find yourself in a fiery political debate on Facebook at 2 a.m. because your third cousin-once-removed just posted jibberish about Donald Trump. So why not engage in a comment-war during your baby's feeding session while the rest of the world is sleeping? It's not like you like her anyway (your cousin, that is; of course you like your baby.).

4. You think about Google-searching, "Where to purchase caffeine IV." Okay, maybe you actually do search for it after pulling your 238th all-nighter. Totally normal.

5. You learn how to do everything one-handed. And I mean everything. From taking out the trash to eating spaghetti to tying your freaking shoes. You might has well consider yourself one-handed for the rest of your life, or at least until your baby doesn't shriek every time you set her down.

6. You have spit up on your shoulder. Poop on your shirt. Remnants of your breakfast cereal in your hair. And you go out in public anyway. Because let's face it -- functioning among the living -- even if it is merely running to the store to get another jumbo pack of Pampers -- is an accomplishment in and of itself. No one says you have to look or smell good in public, right? Just ignore those teens snickering in the corner snap-chatting how ridiculous those crushed Cheerios look on your butt.

7. You create substitutes for swear words. "Holy Bejesus" has a nice ring to it. Especially after you realize you've just spent the past 20-minutes folding a pile of laundry that was NEVER WASHED IN THE FIRST PLACE.

8. Your iPhone storage is always "almost full." You know all the pictures you take every time your baby breathes, sneezes, yawns, sleeps, pouts, blinks or moves? Yeh. Your phone hates you for it. And you're too damn tired to go through and back 'em up, so you keep ignoring that pesky warning until you literally have no storage left to take another photo and you're faced head-on with the daunting task of picture-sorting instead of capturing your baby's first smile (not saying this has ever happened before or anything...).

8. You accept the fact you'll never eat a hot meal again. Ever. And hot coffee? Forget it. You'll learn to love lukewarm coffee. And you'll consider it a good day if you have time to nuke it in the microwave and drink it before it's cold again. (See also: #4)

9. You've memorized the 1 a.m. infomercials. And you legitimately wonder if that PooTrap harness would actually work on your dog. Don't know what a PooTrap is? Google it, and tell me you're not wondering the same.

10.You weigh out the pros and cons of your midnight snack based on noise decibels and starvation: How loud is that bag of chocolate-covered peanut butter pretzels to open, grab and inhale? And is that risk worth the sweet reward? Or perhaps the sweetest (and quietest) reward is sleeping when that precious baby does...which we all know is pretty much impossible. But don't get me started on THAT parenting revelation.
Related content:
Lullaby + Good-Freaking-Night
3 Under 3

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